By Amanda Fox
No matter how far we’ve come, there is still a persistent underlying tone to many conversations about the topic of sex in which it is looked upon as being dirty. It can be. Let’s not pretend it sometimes can be extremely crude, but that is far from the case in all instances. People, for a number of reasons, have it in their mind that sex is something we just don’t talk about – or even enjoy if you listen to some of the chatter that goes around. This is particularly true as it regards women – the double standard is astounding.
Although it is getting better and women aren’t being called out as whores for having has sex out of wedlock or multiple partners even, it is a different than it is for men. And it is true that men and women do often look at sex differently – we haven’t missed that fact – but there are behaviors and attitudes that men can exhibit that women are often chastised for. part of it may even be our own fault as women.
A man has 10 different sexual partners over the course of several months and he’s likely regarded as a stud. A woman is often looked upon as easy, even a slut. It’s still considered fairly normal for a man to brag about their sexual conquests, but when women do it it’s seen as impolite and un-ladylike. After all, good girls don’t talk about sex. They may not even enjoy it. According to too many faith systems, sex has nothing to do with pleasure, it’s purely “procreational – not recreational” as one woman put it.
A man has sex with a woman and can’t have an orgasm or maintain an erection, the blame often falls on the woman. She wasn’t hot enough to keep him excited. She didn’t “perform” well and satisfy every demand or she turned her male partner off by topping him and being assertive instead of a passive rag doll. Ask around, there are still plenty of men that feel it is their imminent domain to be the dominant partner by default.
If a woman, on the other hand, starts speaking up and saying what she wants sexually, she’s often called bossy or bitchy and again, it’s seen as rude. Not her place. If she doesn’t orgasm, it must be her fault. And that brings up faking orgasms. I’m personally not a fan of it, but sometimes it is better than having someone clumsily fumble around trying to get you off, for hours if you let them, as if it was as big a challenge as sending the rover to Mars.
And I hate to say this, but as women, it’s our fault. We don’t speak enough. I’m not talking about detailing a full accounting of your latest conquest over lunch, but talking in general. We need to be more vocal with out partners and tell them what does and doesn’t work. It’s amazing how much better that makes everything because let’s be honest, if you can tell a guy to pop a pinkie in your butt during sex, you can tell him pretty much anything from you can’t stand his mother visiting to how it pisses you off he ignores you for his friends playing HALO.
We need to talk to our girlfriends more openly about sex. This not only means that we have to lose the mentality it is a late night, lights off, spoken in whispers subject straight through to comparing notes. We can help each other learn a lot. I mean, if you own a Mercedes that isn’t running well, you’d ask someone with a Mercedes if they have encountered similar problems and how they fixed it. If you’re sexually frustrated, it makes sense you’d ask someone with a vagina just the same. Lose the taboo!!
As a final note, ladies, there is no set of numbers that defines you when it comes to how often or how many people you have sex with. Sex feels good, and if you have it twice a day it doesn’t mean you’re a sex crazed nymphomaniac. if you have a new partner each week, it doesn’t mean you’re a slut, whore, easy or whatever term is used to disparage a woman that satisfies her sexual cravings the way she wants to with whomever she chooses. Similarly, not having sex all the time or even being celibate a few years doesn’t mean a woman is frigid or hates sex. it just means she is waiting on the opportunity SHE wants.
It’s okay to like and enjoy sex.
It’s okay to admit that.
We each define the sexual beings we are – not arbitrary numbers and antiquated beliefs that the female body is an incubator on legs. We are not masturbation receptacles and we cannot allow ourselves to be treated as such. The Dark Ages are over – mostly. We say when. We say who. We say how often. Our bodies, our choices. No shame!